11/09/09: A Day I Will Never Forget

Ziggy was born on Monday, November 9, 2009 at 9:15 am after approximately 8 hours of labor, weighing 7 lbs 4 oz and measuring 20.5 inches long. Here is our birth story:

I woke up the morning of my scheduled induction (Sunday, November 8) at 8:45 am, got up to go to the bathroom, and felt a trickle of fluid run down both legs. This is it! I thought. My water broke on its own, and now I wont have to be induced! I called Labor & Delivery and they told me to come on in to be checked, although they said I didn't have to rush. So I took my time getting ready and showering, and finished packing up my hospital bag with AC. We arrived at L & D around noon and I was checked, but the doctor who saw me didn't think my water had broken. My cervix was now about 70% effaced, but not at all dilated, so the doctor suggested they just go ahead and admit me (since I was going to be admitted that evening at 7:30 pm anyway) and start the Cervidil (cervical ripener) early. I received the Cervidil at exactly 1:10 pm (it was basically like a tampon that the doctor inserts way up by your cervix) and was told my progress would be checked in 12 hours. The doctor also palpated my abdomen and estimated that Ziggy was about 7.5 lbs, which turned out to be very close to his actual birth weight.

AC and I spent the rest of the day just hanging out in my room watching downloaded shows on my laptop. I was feeling tired and lazy and thought it would be a good idea to store up energy for labor, so I didn't get up much other than to use the bathroom. With my IV pole and monitors it was easier to just stay in bed and relax.

At exactly 1:10 am, I experienced some painful pressure down below and almost like a popping sensation inside and suddenly felt a bunch of warm fluid gush onto the bed. At that moment I knew my water had broken for real, exactly 12 hours after administering the Cervidil! And, as promised, at that exact moment a doctor came in to check my cervix and confirmed that my water had indeed broken for real. I had also made progress and was now 90% effaced and 1 cm dilated, so I was ready to start the Pitocin and be induced. Fluid continued to gush out of me at periodic intervals, and I was amazed at how much there was and at how warm it was!

As I was lying in bed waiting for the doctor to return, the unexpected happened--I started to go into labor on my own! The breaking of my waters was apparently enough to initiate labor as I started to feel contractions, pressure, and pain almost immediately, first in my lower back and then radiating toward my lower belly. At first I thought the contractions wouldn't be too bad, but soon they started to get worse.

When my nurse came in with the bag of Pitocin to hook up to my IV line, I asked if it was too early to get an epidural. I felt silly getting an epidural at only 1 cm dilated, but I was also worried that once she administered the Pitocin, the contractions would be unmanageable, and I'd have to suffer through at least 45 minutes before the epidural kicked in. She seemed to think it would be fine to get it since I was already slightly dilated, so she called in anesthesiology, and they effortlessly placed the epidural (other than a slight pinch when they applied the initial anesthetic, I experienced no pain or discomfort). The anesthesiologists said the anatomy of my back made it really easy to place (I'm assuming they were referring to how prominent my vertebrae are) and that I did a great job of curling over for the procedure. I must admit, after my extremely positive experience with the epidural, I don't know why all women don't get them--they are amazing!

My nurse said that since I was already having fairly regular contractions, I didn't really need the Pitocin. But because I had received the epidural so early, there was a chance it could slow down my contractions and stall the labor, so the doctor had decided to administer a very low dose of the Pitocin. Pretty soon, the epidural started to take effect, the contractions felt weaker and shorter, and I could feel my legs growing heavy--I actually found it to be a very pleasant sensation. It made me want to sleep, so I spent the next several hours dozing in and out as my nurse came in periodically to monitor me and Ziggy. Sometimes she had me flip from one side to the other to see if Ziggy "liked that side better." At one point she came in to turn off the very low dose of Pitocin because my contractions were plenty strong on their own and they were worried the Pitocin could effect Ziggy's heart rate negatively. She also placed an oxygen mask on me. At that point I was rechecked and was now nearly 100% effaced, 4-5 centimeters dilated, and at -1 station. The nurse also placed a catheter to drain my urine since I wasn't allowed to get out of bed to go to the bathroom (although I think I probably could have if someone had helped me), and she said that emptying my bladder would help the labor progress even more since it would give the baby room to move down.

How right she was! I don't remember exactly what time it was, but within just a couple of hours I started to feel increased pressure in my vagina--I had continued to feel the occasional mild pain of the contractions throughout the labor because I had never upped the very low dose of the epidural via the patient administered pump, but this felt different. Another doctor checked me and seemed surprised that I was now 100% effaced, 9 centimeters dilated, and at 0 station! My labor was progressing faster than anticipated. It was almost time to push!

This was definitely the worst part of the labor for me. I was feeling really intense pressure and pain in my vagina even with the epidural, so I finally gave in and pushed my patient administered pump three times (the maximum allowed per hour). I don't really know why I was trying to hold out on pushing it. I think I was partially worried that adding more medicine to the epidural might prevent me from pushing effectively. When the doctor rechecked me next, I was 10 centimeters and +1 station, but she said she still wanted to wait until I felt the urge to push on my own (despite the intense pressure, I didn't want to push--I just wanted the pain to stop). At some point around this time, the doctor decided to switch from an external monitor for Ziggy's heart rate to an internal one placed on his scalp. She also decided to add a very small amount of Pitocin to my line since my contractions were starting to weaken (so maybe I was right about not wanting to push the epidural pump?).

And then all of a sudden, it was time. I wanted to bear down, and my mom and AC held my legs for me while my two new labor nurses (there was a shift change right before I started to push) guided me and stretched my perineum. They had me take a deep breath, hold it, and then bear down for 10 seconds as I tucked my chin to my chest, held the backs of my legs, and curled my back over. I did this about three times during each contraction. It was exhausting! I was worried my lungs wouldn't be able to handle simultaneously holding my breath and exerting myself that much, but it turned out my fears were unwarranted. I also only coughed a little bit--I think the oxygen really helped.

Although I pushed for about 1.5 hours, time seemed to move much faster for me. I was in a strange mind frame, feeling both very present and aware of everything going on around me and also outside of my body at the same time. At one point, I reached down and could feel Ziggy's little head sticking out! It was a lot softer than I expected, and everyone marveled at how much hair he had. Everyone was very supportive, telling me what a great job I was doing and that I was getting really close, that he was almost out. AC was especially amazing, somehow anticipating exactly what I needed and doing everything I wanted without me having to ask. My mom also did a good job, although she kept holding her breath along with me during the pushing and almost passed out from lack of oxygen! I remember I got annoyed with her for being slow right at the start of a contraction when I needed to push and physically shoved her aside--later I felt very guilty for doing that, but in the heat of the moment, I was like an animal, just reacting on instinct and doing what felt right at the time. There was no rational thought involved.

Just when it seemed like I couldn't stand to push any longer, the nurses decided it really was time and called the doctor in. They told me I might feel a burning sensation as the baby crowned and came out, but that it would be better to just push through it than to hold back from fear and have him retract back up the birth canal. So that's what I did. I just pushed through the pain. It hurt like crazy, and at that point I almost started to cry (it was more like a pathetic whimper or whine, really), but I just kept pushing, even though it felt wrong to do so, like my body was going to rip open. And then with another gush of fluid, he was out, and they were placing him on my chest, and AC was cutting the cord! It was so surreal! I don't know how to describe it. I felt relief that the pain and exertion were over, amazement that this little creature had come out of me, awe at his beauty, and joy that he was finally here and that he was apparently healthy and perfect (his Apgar scores were 8 and 9, by the way). He let out a cry, and I was surprised by how high-pitched and shrieky it was. But when they placed him in my arms, he settled down and became very alert, looking all around at his brand new world.

I held him for a bit while the doctor delivered the placenta (I never got to see it in person, but AC did snap a picture which I saw later, and wow, it was huge!) and then stitched me up (I had a bit of second degree tearing in my vagina, mainly on the right side, but the doctor said it wasn't too bad). The nurses also massaged my uterus, and I could feel more fluid coming out each time they pushed on my belly. I don't know if they were just being nice or if they really meant it, but both the doctor and the nurses seemed impressed with how quickly I pushed him out and how strong I was and asked if I did yoga, to which I said yes. They seemed to think that it must have helped. I guess maybe it did!

Then the nurses weighed and measured Ziggy, put antibiotic ointment in his eyes, and did whatever else they needed to do before returning him to me. I put him to my breast right away, but I don't think he latched on at that point. It was just nice to hold him close and feel his little body against mine. After holding him for a bit, it was time for AC to accompany him to the Well Baby Nursery to receive his first bath and have other necessary things done to him while I was taken to my private (woohoo!) recovery room, where I would stay for the next two days.

It's funny--I didn't write a birth plan, I didn't really think about how I wanted my childbirth experience to go at all (other than that I knew I wanted an epidural), and yet, it turned out to be exactly how I would have wanted it had I known what to plan for. Even the fact that I tore doesn't bother me--to me, it's just a battle scar, proof that I did something amazing, namely deliver a baby that I grew for 9 months inside me!

Week 40: The Final Week!

Today is my official due date, and Ziggy is exactly 38 weeks old! 38 weeks ago today he was conceived in a petri dish--it's crazy when you think about it! He's been moving about quite a bit in his cramped quarters, but seems to be pretty happy in there still, so I have a feeling he wont be coming out on his own and I'll be induced as scheduled. I've been experiencing occasional increased pressure, cramping in my lower back (including the occasional pinched nerve feeling around my tailbone), and odd sensations "down there" (I think his head is really low and when he moves it around, it feels kind of funny) but nothing that screams that labor is imminent. And after learning at my last OB appointment on Tuesday that I have not progressed any further since my cervical check in the hospital (still effaced about 1 cm or 50%), I'm pretty sure I'll need that cervical ripener overnight and wont be induced until Monday morning. The good news though is that I can eat dinner before I head to the hospital on Sunday evening, AC can stay with me in my room (there's a little fold-out couch thing for him to sleep on), and we can both sleep Sunday night, although after my last experience at the hospital I'm not sure how restful a night we'll have! Plus, I imagine that the cervical ripener will probably make me crampy and uncomfortable, although the MFM fellow said that it shouldn't be too bad. By the way, at my non-stress test I was having contractions that I couldn't feel, and the nurse said that sometimes an internal exam can trigger contractions or even the start of labor. It would be nice if there was some more progress before Sunday night. Even if I still need to be induced, the more prepared my cervix is naturally, the better the outcome supposedly.

I have to admit, I am nervous about the whole birth process, and part of me wishes I could just fast-forward to the point where they place him on my chest. Even though I think induction is probably the best and safest route for me (it freaks me out that the rate of still birth rises so rapidly after 40 weeks!), I've heard so many horror stories about women being induced and then failing to progress and ending up with a c-section that I'm starting to worry it will happen to me. Not that having a c-section would be the worst thing in the world, but for the sake of my lungs and overall health, it should be avoided if possible.

It probably sounds silly, but I was almost sad to have my last OB appointment and non-stress test this week (by the way, baby looked "perfect" according to the nurses :). It felt like the end of an era or something. I am so going to miss being pregnant (or at least that's what I imagine), although hopefully Ziggy will soon distract me from my nostalgic musings! But seriously, I've had a fairly easy pregnancy and have really enjoyed the experience--it's hard to just let go of that all at once.

In other news, both my mom and AC got their seasonal flu vaccines, and today I finally received the H1N1 vaccine (unfortunately it was the one with mercury, but it's hard to be picky when I feel lucky to have gotten it at all), so I feel a little bit better about welcoming Ziggy into this scary, virus-infested world. Unfortunately my mom is sick again with what seems to be a sinus infection and is back on antibiotics, but hopefully she'll recover before Monday--otherwise they wont allow her into the hospital and she'll miss the birth!

A few last minute items I ordered online arrived this week: a Naturepedic Organic Cotton Waterproof Bassinet Pad and a Kushies Certified Organic Bassinet/Carriage Pad Fitted Sheet in mocha (unfortunately both are slightly too big for the bassinet mattress, but I'm hoping they will shrink in the wash--why oh why isn't there a standard bassinet mattress size!?); a 2-pack of Snoozy Organic Flannel Cotton Waterproof Multi Use Pads, so that when the Fuzzi Bunz diapers inevitably leak (one drawback to cloth diapers I've heard is that they are more likely to leak), there wont be pee all over the bed or couch or carpet or wherever Ziggy is hanging out; a yellow Fuzzi Bunz Hanging Diaper Pail, to store the diapers in between washes; an Orbit Stroller Travel Bag, so we can safely transport our awesome stroller when we move to Japan; and a Carbon Monoxide Detector, which has yet to be installed. So I think we're pretty much set on baby gear for the moment.

I've been trying to read up on baby care this week since I know absolutely nothing about taking care of a newborn. AC knows a bit more than I do since his mother runs a daycare out of her home, but I think the youngest babies he's ever cared for were at least 4-6 weeks old, so this will be quite an adventure for us both. I'll probably update from the hospital if I have time, but if not, the next time I post, Ziggy will be here!

Single Digits and First Trip to L & D

It's hard to believe but all of a sudden, we are into the single digit countdown and there are only 9 days left until my due date! I had a scare this weekend that made me think that I might not make it this far, but everything turned out okay. Last week I wasn't sleeping particularly well in general but was getting just enough sleep to function and stay healthy. My mom had come down with what seemed to be a cold. She didn't have a fever so we figured it couldn't be a flu virus. Then on Thursday night I had a really bad night where I got maybe 4 hours of sleep and was exhausted all day long. That night (Friday), I awoke around 1 am shivering and shaking with chills, body aches, and the general feeling that I had a fever. I slept restlessly for a few more hours, feeling alternately hot and cold, throwing the blankets on and off, sweating and then shivering. By 4am, I'd had enough and was worried that my temperature was getting too high, so I forced myself to get out of bed to locate a thermometer and some Tylenol.

Sure enough, I had a fever of 101.4, so I popped two Tylenol and slept a few more restless, sweaty hours. When I awoke on Saturday morning, I was a feeling a bit better but my hair was disgusting and matted with sweat so I decided to take a shower (even though normally I try to avoid washing my hair when I'm actively sick since I feel like having a wet head and getting water in my ears and sinuses often exacerbate my illness) and in retrospect I'm so glad I did.

I started to feel worse as the morning went on, and when my mom returned from her doctor's appointment armed with Ceftin for a possible sinus infection and learned about my fever, she called her pediatrician friend who said to call Labor & Delivery and that I might have to be induced early if it turned out I had the swine flu. We called L & D and they told us to head on over, so we did, although at first the front staff who are responsible for screening all visitors for possible flu symptoms didn't want to let us in the building when we said we were sick. When we told them L & D was expecting us, they called to confirm it and finally led us up there (with masks of course). I was admitted to an isolation room, but my mom was not allowed to stay with me. This was around noon.

A nurse hooked me up to the usual monitors for the non-stress test, one to measure baby's heart rate (slightly elevated), and the other to measure my contractions and baby's movements. I also had an IV line placed to administer fluids and a pulse oximeter to measure my heart rate (high) and blood oxygen level (98% on room air). Anyway, this post is starting to get too long already, so I'll try to just focus on the highlights (or lowlights) of the next 24 hours, which is how long I ended up staying there.

Originally they had said I would be discharged later on Saturday, but then it turned out they wanted me to stay the night for observation. A nurse did a nasal swab to test for H1N1, which ended up having to be repeated later by a doctor (unpleasant but I've had worse things stuffed up my nose). The monitor showed I was having some contractions, although I couldn't feel them at all, so at one point an MFM did an internal exam (the first of my pregnancy) to determine if there was any progress. I'm not dilated at all but my cervix has effaced down to about 0.5 cm from 3.5 cm at my 20 week ultrasound, so that's good.

Everyone kept saying that Ziggy looked great--he had nice heart rate fluctuations and was moving well. They did comment that his heart rate was a little high but explained that my higher heart rate from being sick was affecting his. Overnight both of our heart rates did come down. They started me on Tamiflu but failed to mention that nausea is one of the side effects. I also had some heartburn, for which I was given Maalox, but I don't know if that was from the Tamiflu or from lying down for most of the day. It didn't help that I was never brought a proper meal (I hadn't eaten much before heading to the hospital because I hadn't had much of an appetite in the morning). One nurse (I had six total during my 24 hour stay) told me she had ordered me a dinner. When I told her I was a vegetarian, she rushed off to change the order. She then came back and brought me a vegetarian sandwich (American cheese with vegetables) from the staff kitchen to tide me over until my dinner arrived. That was the last I saw of her. When the next nurse took over, she told me there was no dinner service but that my family could bring me food. This was news to me as I'd been told I couldn't have any visitors. So I called AC, who had flown in that afternoon for a brief 24 hour visit and had been hanging out with friends up until then, to ask if he could bring some toiletries over and also pick up a smoothie for me (I'd been craving one all day). So I finally got to see him (he had to don a mask and gown like the nurses and doctors whenever they entered the room) at around 9 pm, which is when visiting hours are officially over, so he couldn't stay long.

After a rough night, during which I didn't get much sleep due to a number of factors (feeling either too cold or too hot, having my vitals taken, being hooked up to all those monitors, which would beep when they got unhooked or my IV fluid bag ran low, having to lie on my left side for so long that my hip ached horribly, having to unhook myself from all the monitors and take my IV pole with me every time I needed to use the restroom, and in general just not feeling comfortable in the hospital bed). I think I maybe got 4-5 hours of restless, interrupted sleep. In the morning they actually brought me breakfast, although it was pretty bad and not what I would have ordered (a muffin and hash browns as my main course?! The oatmeal, banana, fruit cup and milk were fine, but what about some protein?!). The nurse had me fill out lunch and dinner menus for Sunday just in case I had to stay longer. I was taken to radiology for two chest x-rays (they shielded my abdomen), which the pulmonologist on call reviewed. Apparently they looked ok, and since I hadn't had a fever since I entered the hospital, the baby was doing well, and in general, they didn't seem to think I had the swine flu, they decided to discharge me around 1 pm. They did say that I should schedule an appointment with the pulmonary department or call L & D again if I took a turn for the worse.

I ended up getting to eat the lunch I'd ordered (pasta with squash, peas, and mushrooms) because AC insisted that they let me take it to go when they wouldn't let me eat it in my room (they had to prepare it for the next patient) or out in the hall because I had to wear my mask at all times in the hospital. So they put everything on a paper plate and I ended up eating it while sitting on a bench outside the hospital! By the way, the results from the nasal swab didn't get back before I was discharged, but they told me they would only call if it was positive, and since I haven't heard back yet, I'm assuming no news is good news. I was still prescribed Tamiflu for an additional 5 days just in case. Yesterday morning I took it after eating a relatively small breakfast of cereal, and it made me nauseous the entire morning. When I finally ate a mid-morning snack, I ended up throwing it up, so my streak of not vomiting during this pregnancy has finally been broken. My new plan is to eat a substantial meal before taking the pill.

All in all, I'm glad I had this preliminary trip to L & D. It gives me a better idea of what to expect when I go in for real (disorganization and lack of communication on the part of the staff, although most of them were pretty nice and seemed to be doing the best they could) and made me realize how important it is to be proactive, ask questions, and make requests, and to have someone there who can advocate on my behalf (when AC was there even briefly, it made things so much easier!). Mainly I'm just relieved that I don't have the swine flu, that Ziggy's doing well, and that I didn't have to be induced (I think I would have been too weak and tired to push and probably would have ended up with a c-section) and still have a chance to recover and regain strength before my delivery.

Anyway, I need to go and get ready for my day of appointments (car seat installation, non-stress test, and doctor's appointment), but I'll be back on Thursday with more updates from this week.

Week 38: Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear Ziggy,

Today I am 38 weeks pregnant, which means we are only two weeks away from your due date! It's hard to believe that in just a few weeks (or sooner) we will be meeting face to face for the first time. In some ways I feel like I already know you (through your movements, ultrasound photos, and my own imaginings), and yet in many ways, you are still very much a mystery to your mama. I can't wait to see what you look like, how you behave, and who you will be(come). Even though your movements have become softer and less frequent overall, the other night as I was lying in bed, you were being quite active, and I could actually feel the outline and shape of your little foot against the inside of my belly. Oh, how I long to hold and kiss that perfect little foot and the rest of your yummy little body!

This week I've had more Braxton Hicks contractions, and sometimes I find them uncomfortable, which makes me wonder how you feel when I'm having them. Do you feel squeezed and compressed in there? Or is it like a nice full body massage? I suppose there's no way you can ever tell me.

Even though I am very eager to finally meet you, I feel nervous about the whole labor and delivery process. We have quite a task ahead of us, you and I. I also wonder how you will experience the labor. Will it be very uncomfortable or even painful for you to be squeezed through my birth canal? One thing I know for sure is that it will be traumatic, if only because you'll be forced from your nice, warm, cozy home in my womb, where all your needs are automatically met, into the cold, bright, harsh world outside, where you'll have to learn to eat and poop and breathe on your own for the very first time! Your baba and I will try to make the transition as comfortable for you as possible, but I know it wont be easy to adjust.

I can't wait to hold you close to me, to nurse you, rock you, bathe, you, and even diaper you! I can't wait to meet you and discover your own unique little personality, which I'm sure will be evident from the very beginning. Will you be more like your mama or baba or some other relative? I am so curious to find out.

I'm not sure why but I have a feeling you will arrive after your due date so if at all possible, could you come around November 8-10? That would be most convenient for all of us. But of course you should come whenever you're ready, although preferably before 41 weeks or else they'll have to induce me!

By the way, unless you decide to show up today, you will definitely be a Scorpio, just like your baba, which makes me very happy. I have always gotten along really well with Scorpios (most of my friends in high school were Scorpios). So, my little Scorpion, enjoy your last few weeks in my belly practicing your breathing (you're having hiccups as I type this), blinking, peeing, swallowing, dreaming, sleeping, and moving (as much as you can in those increasingly tight quarters). I love you so much already and long to have you safe and sound in my arms at last!

Love,
Your Mama

Weekly Update

I promised to update more about this past week, so here goes...Before my appointment with my pulmonologist last Friday, I first had a short spirometry, which showed that my pulmonary function continues to improve! My doctor listened to my lungs and thought I sounded great. I left a sputum sample for culture, so we'll see if the MAC is still present, but either way he doesn't recommend treating it while breastfeeding. He looked in my ears and sinuses and agreed that they didn't look too good, especially the left side, so I made an appointment with my old ENT (the one who did my sinus surgery back in 2001 and who amazingly accepts my crappy military insurance even though he's kind of a big shot) for Thursday (yesterday).

At that appointment, first this other younger doctor looked at my ears and sinuses and suctioned out quite a bit from my nose, both for culture purposes and for my own relief! It felt great and I could actually smell for the first time in ages, although some of the smells that hit my nose later in the day were not so pleasant (chemical cleaning products in a public restroom, the garbage room at my mom's condominium complex). As for my ears, both tubes have fallen out of my right ear, but the hole remains open. My left ear still has two tubes, but they appeared blocked, so my doctor gave me some samples of Ciprodex. The neat thing about his office is that you get to wear these glasses that allow you to watch along with the doctor as he's looking at your nose and ears (gross but also very cool!). He also recommended increasing my nasal sprays (Astelin and Nasonex) from once to twice a day and using a couple of drops of baby shampoo in my saline rinse (sounds strange, but it's supposed to help thin really thick secretions like I have). But he said he didn't want to do anything more rigorous until after the baby's born, so I'll go back at the end of November for a follow-up, when hopefully things will have improved due to the decrease in hormones. I'm also seeing my pulmonologist again at the beginning of December. So basically the consensus is that pregnancy has been good for my lungs but not for my ears and sinuses, but hey, it would be a lot worse if it was the other way around!

I also had my weekly OB appointment with the MFM fellow since my doctor is out of town. Nothing much to report there other than that my Group B strep test came back negative and everything else continues to look good. I asked her a few questions about what to do when I go into labor and what to expect if I need to be induced. This is what she told me. I should call or go directly to labor and delivery when my contractions are coming every 5 minutes, lasting for 1 minute, and this pattern continues for an hour (the 511 rule I learned about in my prenatal classes). Other reasons to call would be if my water breaks or I think it's broken, if I have severe abdominal pain that doesn't go away, if I have any bleeding, or if there's anything else I'm concerned about or that seems out of the ordinary. They will only check my cervix if I have any symptoms of labor, if I ask to have it checked, or once I reach 40 weeks. If I have not gone into labor by 40 weeks and especially if I show no signs of going into labor, they will start talking about induction, which it turns out can take place at any time, day or night, weekday or weekend, although they usually prefer to do them in the morning on a weekday. If my cervix is not ready, they will admit me to the hospital the night before the induction and administer a cervical ripening agent. Then in the morning they would start the pitocin. I also asked her when it would be safe to try some natural methods of stimulating labor, such as acupressure points, and she recommended no earlier than 39 weeks. I had my NST after the appointment, which showed that baby is doing very well and I'm not having any contractions. I also submitted my preadmission paperwork at the hospital, so that's one less thing to take care of.

In more exciting news, the accumulation of baby gear continues. My mother's psychiatrist gave/lent me the following baby books: What to Expect the First Year, Your Baby & Child From Birth to Age Five, and The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby -- From Birth to Age Two. I think I'm pretty set on reading material for the hospital and for these first few months, if I even have time to read anything once Ziggy arrives!

Then on Wednesday I went over to my cousin's house for dinner and, after she put her daughter to bed, we went down to the garage and rummaged around for some baby items. This is the haul I ended up with: a diaper changing pad, 3 receiving blankets, a pair of baby socks, 5 warmer all-in-one suits for baby for colder weather (luckily almost all of her daughter's clothes are gender-neutral or even "boy-colored"), baby Avalon Organics Soothing Zinc Diaper Balm and Protective A, D, & E Ointment, Lansinoh Brand Lanolin For Breastfeeding Mothers, 3 sets of used cloth breast pads and a bunch of disposable ones as well, a Medela Harmony Breastpump (a manual breast pump for occasional use), a book entitled Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and a Diaper Genie diaper pail. The main thing she couldn't find was the bassinet, so she's planning on contacting a friend whom she thinks she lent it to.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

First Prenatal Class: Relaxation During Labor and Delivery

We attended a Relaxation During Labor and Delivery Class yesterday, and it turned out to be a lot of fun, as well as pretty informative. Some highlights include:

We were one of 3 couples to win a pack of 20 newborn diapers! I love it when I win free stuff because it happens so rarely :) But as AC said, "That will last us about two days." One of the other expectant women added, "More like one day." Yeah, I'm definitely going to seriously consider cloth.

Out of about 12 or so couples, only two women were having girls (one was having twin girls for a total of 3 girls)--the rest were all boys! What is going on?! I've heard a few people mention that everyone seems to be having boys this year, and I guess it's true, although on the blogs I read it seems to be pretty even overall.

I was one of two women who raised their hands when the instructor asked who had definitely decided on an epidural. I was kind of shocked, but then I realized that maybe most of the people in the class simply hadn't reached a decision yet or were keeping all of their options open. I know that natural childbirth is all the rage now, but still, I was surprised by the numbers!

The instructor pointed out that even women who plan on having an epidural can benefit from these techniques since they will probably be in labor for a while at home and in the hospital before they receive any pain relief.

We watched a video that depicted women in labor employing various relaxation methods, and I could tell that AC was a little disturbed by it. He really doesn't like to see anyone suffer, and he's already told me that the thought of seeing me in that much pain horrifies him. He is completely against natural childbirth for me and wants me to get an epidural, which I will gladly comply with!

We got a chance to practice some of the relaxation methods described, such as different types of breathing, massage, guided relaxation, positions, etc. I think both of us found it quite beneficial. We also received some useful handouts, which I'll have to look through more thoroughly when I get a chance. I plan on compiling a list of the methods and techniques I may use and the equipment I should bring with me to the hospital soon.

I think now I'm a little less nervous about the whole childbirth deal, and I'm looking forward to our next class on Infant Care in a week. Going to these classes just makes the whole process seem more real!

Week 26: In which Ziggy takes up karate and I turn into a cow

Yesterday I was officially 26 weeks, and in honor of this milestone, Ziggy became quite the little martial artist, flipping, rolling, kicking, punching, poking, jabbing, you name it! It was quite entertaining to feel and watch my belly all day long. His movements were not only a lot more frequent, but also sometimes really strong. It never hurt, but sometimes the force did surprise me! I hope this means he will be a natural at karate. AC can't wait to introduce him to his new passion, especially since he was denied the chance to even try it as a kid. Ziggy's being a lot quieter today, so maybe he tuckered himself out. Poor little guy!

In other news, it appears that I have started to lactate! Ok, maybe leaking would be a better term. A few times I've noticed there were small, clear but slightly milky beads of liquid on my nipples, and today, when I tried squeezing my breasts, even more came out! I figure this is the colostrum. I actually find it quite exciting. I hope this means I will have a good milk supply.

I don't really have any expectations for how I want my birth to go (other than that I have to have an epidural or pain medication when requested!), but I know that I definitely want to breastfeed and will be really disappointed if for some reason I can't do it. My mother, who is certainly not the type to glorify or sentimentalize child rearing, always fondly reminisces about breastfeeding me and how much she loved it. So, I am hoping it's a similar story for me and Ziggy. By the way, my mother breastfed me exclusively for 14 months and hand-expressed the occasional bottle when she needed to be away or to relieve engorgement while working full time (as a professor though, she did have a much more flexible schedule and worked mostly from home).

So, I am going to hold off on buying a pump and all that various paraphernalia until I'm sure I'll actually need or want it. Personally, the idea of pumping doesn't appeal to me at all. It seems like a lot of work, what with washing and disinfecting all the bottles and equipment. I may rent one from the hospital first to see if I even like it or can get much milk that way. I know some women hate pumping and/or can't actually produce much milk with a pump, so I'd rather try it out first before plunking down all that money.

Anyway, all in all a good week as far as pregnancy goes. I can't believe there's only a week (or two, depending on which pregnancy calendar I refer to) left of the second trimester! Third trimester here I come!

To culminate or not to culminate, that is the excruciating question...

According to my various pregnancy tickers, I have only 99 days left until Ziggy's due date! 99 days of freedom, some might say. Not that I view having a baby as a prison sentence or anything, but I do realize that my life is going to change drastically once the little guy is here. Which brings me to my question: how should I spend these next 3 months? AC and my parents are pressuring me to finally finish my masters degree this fall. I have only one class, the dreaded culminating experience, left to complete, which requires a substantial amount of work. Basically, I need to create an e-portfolio of some of the work I've done in the program, showing how I fulfilled 14 competencies, which will entail writing about 16 short essays and possibly over 100 pages. On the one had, I would love to just be done with it all before Ziggy is born. But on the other hand, I can't imagine spending the last precious months of my pregnancy stressing about school work. So, in order to clarify the issue in my mind and reach some sort of conclusion, I've decided to make a list of the pros and cons of enrolling for Fall 2009.

Pros:

If I pass, I can finally kiss this master's program goodbye and move on with my life.

I'll have a master's degree (specifically an MLIS), which might come in handy later on if I decide to or need to go back to work, even if I don't work in a library setting. For example, some universities will only hire yoga instructors who have a master's degree.

AC and my parents will finally get off my back about completing my degree.

I will serve as a good role model for Ziggy (AC pointed this one out, not me!).

It will give me something to do, to occupy my time while I wait for the little guy to arrive. I may end up feeling pretty bored in California if my mom is occupied with her own work, and friends are too busy to see me. Plus, if I don't have a car, I will be stuck at home a lot or at the mercy of my mother to drive me around.

It won't be any easier (in fact, it will be harder) to complete the e-portfolio once I have a baby to look after. Basically, I'm worried that if I don'd do this now, I'll never finish it.

I've already invested a lot of time, money, and energy into this program, and it would be a shame to throw all of that away.

I'll feel embarrased and ashamed to admit to others that I gave up completing the program.

If I submit and pass 10 of the 14 competencies, I can get an incomplete and finish the remainder of the work over the next year, which would probably be doable if difficult, what with the baby and the move to Japan.

If I don't enroll in classes this semester, I'll have to reapply in order to finish the degree (the university only allows you to skip one semester at a time without taking official leave due to illness, military orders, or educational endeavors before making you reapply to the program, and I've already skipped this past spring semeter). Reapplying wont be too hard, but it will be annoying, especially to have to do it from Japan, and I wont be able to reapply until 2011 since California's buget cuts prevent the school from accepting any applications for 2010.

What with the budget cuts and California's current economic crisis, it seems like it might be wise to quickly finish the degree before the program goes belly up, they hike the tuition or make any other changes that could affect my completion of the degree.

The worst case scenario is that I end up never completing the degree and regret it later in life. Can I live with that?

Cons:

Pregnancy brain has made me stupid. I feel like it's a huge effort to think coherently. I've become really forgetful lately, which is unusual for me, and feel like I can't think clearly. Not good when trying to finish a master's degree!

My sleep is erratic--sometimes it's great, sometimes not. When it's not, I am basically useless for the next day or two (or three--these days, it seems to take me a lot longer to recover from sleep deprivation), have trouble thinking and concentrating, feel out of it, and can't imagine getting any academic work done. It's likely my insomnia will only get worse as I progress with my pregnancy.

There is still a lot to be done to prepare for Ziggy's arrival. I need to do a lot more research on baby gear and make some final decisions about certain purchases. Reading online reviews, browsing Craigslist and SU Market (Stanford University's version of Craigslist) for deals on baby gear and then arranging to pick the items up, scouting out stores for deals on baby gear, trying to hit up a few people in California to borrow stuff, buying and setting up everything we need for Ziggy's arrival (even if we get only the bare minimum, there is still quite a bit to do), etc.

I need to educate myself about how to take care of a newborn. This will entail lots of reading, viewing of DVDs, and taking of classes, such as infant CPR.

I need to exercise and move as much as possible for my lung health (this is according to my pulmonologist in California), so spending hours sitting in front of my computer probably wouldn't be the best thing for me. Once I'm in California I plan on doing a lot of walking as the weather and surroundings will be a lot more conducive to taking walks. I also want to take some prenatal yoga classes (they don't have any here in Little Rock). Basically I need to avoid a sedentary lifestyle as much as possible.

Even now when I don't use my computer that much, I find that my wrists will frequently bother me. My right wrist (the one I broke this past winter) is especially prone to acting up. Hours on the computer will only make these problems worse and, combined with the tendency of pregnant women to develop carpel tunnel syndrome in the third trimester due to swelling, almost guarantees that my wrists and hands will be in constant pain. Not to mention that once Ziggy arrives, I'll have to pick him up and carry him all the time, which will be really hard if my hands and wrists are already so destroyed.

Schoolwork stresses me out terribly, and everyone says that stress is bad for the baby, especially in the last trimester. Baby feels what you feel. I don't want to have a stressed out pregnancy, baby, or postpartum period.

Ziggy is due on November 5, and the e-portfolio is due on November 17. Of course Ziggy might be late, like I was, but if he's early or even on time, most likely I wont be able to finish by the deadline and at best will get an incomplete (I need to submit and pass at least 10 of the 14 competencies to get an incomplete) and at worst, a No Credit.

I feel totally unprepared to tackle this e-portfolio business. I know I should have been working systematically on it this entire year, but procrastination got the better of me. I also don't honestly feel like I can show proficiency in all of the competencies. I deeply regret not taking certain classes, like cataloging.

The whole point of the e-portfolio is to show off the work you've done in the program and present it to prospective employers in a way that makes them want to hire you. Since I don't plan on working as a librarian anytime soon (or possibly ever) and since I ended up realizing that the profession is not really right for me and that I didn't get much out of the program, I'd basically have to bs my way through the entire thing. Unfortunately I am not very good at bsing.

I am out of practice when it comes to writing, especially academic writing. The last class I took in the program (last fall) was on web design, so it didn't involve any paper writing (part of the reason I chose it as a matter of fact).

I don't have a good, ergonomic setup for my computer here or in California. Spending so much time working on a laptop wont be good for my wrists, back, neck, shoulders, eyes, or body in general. Combined with the aches and pains of pregnancy as I get larger and further along, I could end up being really uncomfortable by the end.

I have no motivation to finish the degree and could care less about having an MLIS.

I want to enjoy what's left of my pregnancy, to talk, sing, and read to Ziggy, to concentrate on feeling him move, and to bond with him before he arrives.

I want to enjoy this trip to California, since it may be the last time I get to spend a substantial amount of time there for a while. I want to spend as much time outside as possible, taking walks and observing the beautiful scenery and the fall foliage, especially since I've spent the summer mostly indoors here in hot, humid Arkansas. I want to see as many friends as possible and take advantage of all there is to do in that part of the country.

I want to rest, relax, enjoy myself, and do as many of those activities as I possibly can that I wont be able to do once the baby comes, like go to the movies, go out to eat, or hang out with friends. Once Ziggy is born, I'll be exhausted, sleep-deprived, and pretty much tied to being at home with the baby. Again, I have no problem with this--I'm prepared for it and even looking forward to it in an odd way. But it does make me feel like I don't want to waste these last few months doing something I'll hate.

Schoolwork not only stresses me out, it puts me in a perpetually bad mood. AC always says I'm a much nicer person and much more pleasant to be around when I'm not a student!

The last time I visited my mom, my computer had a really hard time connecting with her wireless network, so most of the time my internet connection was really unreliable. I definitely need reliable internet access to complete my e-portfolio.

I have no way of knowing what will happen in the third trimester as regards my health and my pregnancy. If I end up getting sick, end up in the hospital, or have premature labor and delivery, this could postpone or prevent my completion of the e-portfolio.

I am out of practice with doing schoolwork and being disciplined about deadlines. My life has been pretty easy since I've come to Little Rock. My days are very relaxed and laid-back, but I still have enough to do to keep me occupied and not bored. Basically, I have gotten lazy and undisciplined, and it's going to be difficult to get back into the student and schoolwork mindset.

The worst case scenario is that, after busting my butt to finish the e-portfolio before Ziggy is born, I end up not passing and getting a NC, which means I'll have to reregister, repay, and redo most of the work later. Ugh!

After reading through all these points, I still have no idea what I want to do. My mind wavers constantly between thinking, "There's no way I can do this" and "Won't it be nice to just get this done and out of the way?" Ahhh, I feel like I'm going crazy! It's pathetic, I am a fully grown woman about to have a baby, and yet I feel like a child myself. I want to just pull the covers over my head and wish this whole e-portfolio nonsense away. Or I want someone to take my hand and lead me through the process step by step, guiding and encouraging me constantly along the way. Geez, I am so pathetic! My mother was writing her doctorate while pregnant with me, and she finished it a few months after I was born. Clearly the apple can fall very far from the tree!

Anyway, thinking and writing about this is making me depressed. I'll finish this for now, but will probably write more about this soon. I need to make a decision by August 16, the deadline for enrolling in classes.

On labor, exercise, and sweating...

AC has really gotten involved with his Dojo as of late. What started out as simply a way to get in shape has turned into a serious hobby and a host of new friendships. Not only has AC lost weight and improved his fitness, but in general he seems calmer and more focused. The Cuong Nhu style that he practices reminds me of my own yoga training at times, what with the focus on linking breath with movement, stilling the mind, and the overall mind body connection. I am happy that AC has found something he enjoys doing so much that he willingly goes to the Dojo as many as three times a day for classes if his work schedule allows.

Now that the Dojo is running weekly camps for children, AC has been helping out with the kids when he can, and he always returns with a smile on his face and a story about something cute the kids did that day. Several times this past week, he's said "I love kids!" which warms my heart. He is going to be a great baba, despite his apprehensions :)

Yesterday I observed as he participated in a demonstration at Dillard's to attract more kids to the Dojo. At first the children watching were reluctant to join in, but once one kid agreed to come up, a bunch of others got up the nerve as well. I was impressed with both AC's athletic prowess and his mastery of the techniques, but also with his ability to assist the children, gently guiding them into the correct forms with encouraging words and miles of patience. Most of the children seemed polite and willing to listen and learn, but there was one little boy who repeatedly interrupted, complained, showed off, and behaved quite aggressively. At one point, when AC was attempting to work a particular defensive move with him, the kid kept trying to punch AC in the face. Of course his dad was standing nearby and watching, so AC had to be tactful. I think he handled it really well and probably a lot better than I would have.

Afterward we briefly hung out with the people from the Dojo in the food court and AC's sensei started asking me about my pregnancy and how I was feeling. I'd heard from AC that his wife (whom I've met) did natural childbirth with both of her boys and even delivered the second one at home with a midwife. I was curious to learn more, so I asked him about it. Maybe that was a mistake. I don't think he meant to be preachy, but it kind of came across that way to me. Or it could just be the pregnancy hormones making me more sensitive, but I definitely felt some judgment toward medicated childbirth and even hospital birth coming from him.

I have no problem with people wanting to deliver naturally at home with midwives if that's what they want to do (in fact, I think it's very impressive!), but I think it's wrong to assume that that is what everyone wants or needs or that that scenario is even safe for everyone. Since I'm considered high risk, I definitely need to give birth in a hospital setting. As for the pain medication, personally I am all for it, for myself. After hearing various childbirth stories, I just can't imagine withstanding hours of contractions. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, except when it comes to the pain of menstrual cramps--I can't stand them! I would do almost anything to avoid them.

I had really bad cramps as a child and teen (I say child, because my period started when I was 10, so yes, I would still consider myself a child) to the point that I vomited a couple of times and had to take handfuls of ibuprofen to quell the pain. I remember on numerous occasions having to just lie down on the floor wherever I was in the house because the pain, nausea, hot flashes, and just general feeling of sickness were too intense for me to bear. I have lost countless nights of sleep to menstrual cramps and spent many a perfectly nice day lying in bed with my heating pad, feeling miserable. The scary thing is I know there are girls who suffered even worse than I did! The situation has definitely improved a lot since high school and college, and now my menstrual cramps are much more manageable, but I still have this dread of them. I just don't want my childbirth experience to be miserable, nor do I want to become so exhausted and worn out from the pain that I don't have the strength to push and end up with a c-section. So, yeah, I plan on asking for an epidural if the pain feels too intense (which I'm assuming it will).

Even though I do think the sensei was a little pushy in extolling the benefits of natural labor at home and ridiculing medicated hospital labors, I think I must have been overly sensitive that day, because something else that someone said really ticked me off. One of the sensei's friends is in town and came to participate in the demonstration. Now, this guy not only looks out of shape, but he is out of shape--I feel I can make that judgment because I saw him performing, and he just seemed sluggish and breathless and slow. I also heard him telling someone that he needs to lay off the PBR and do more push-ups and sit-ups (seriously, the guy has quite the beer gut!).

The reason I am being so critical of him is that he had the nerve to tell AC that the reason he sweats so much is because he's out of shape, and that Cuong Nhu isn't enough to get in shape--he needs to do some real cardio, like running, swimming, or biking. First of all, who are you to talk? Second of all, AC has always sweated an abnormal amount, even when he was a little kid. I think he just has overactive sweat glands or something. Even at his fittest (when he came back from boot camp having lost 20 pounds and able to run for long distances with heavy weights on his back), he still sweated buckets. Third of all, excessive sweating during exercise is both a sign of being especially out of shape AND of being especially in shape (or at least that's what I've read) since the body becomes better adapted to cooling itself through sweating. Fourth of all (ok, that sounds stupid, but whatever), AC does get a good cardio workout, at least from the more intense, hard style classes.

This is the same B.S. I've heard people spout about yoga, that it doesn't count as cardio, that it's just a bunch of stretching with a little bit of toning and muscle strengthening. Well, obviously it depends greatly on the style of yoga one does and the level of intensity, but believe me, yoga can definitely be a great cardio workout! Just try doing an intense 90 minute Vinyasa flow class without having your heart rate get up into the cardio range.

Anyway, sorry for the rant! I just needed to vent :) Now I feel silly though because AC just told me that the guy ended up conceding that maybe AC's just naturally a heavy sweater. So, now I feel like a jerk! But I'm posting this anyway so I'll remember how crazy I was during pregnancy!