New Year's Resolutions for 2010

1. Lose the baby weight! I have about 15 pounds to go, not bad considering I gained over 45 while pregnant. I don't even care so much about the number on the scale, but it would be nice to be able to fit into some of my old clothes. My wardrobe is shockingly limited these days!
2. Even more important than losing the baby weight is getting physically fit. Since I broke my wrist before becoming pregnant, I entered the pregnancy with a weaker upper body than usual. Now that I have to tote around an increasingly heavy baby who is growing at an astonishing rate, I've realized that I really need to strengthen my arms, shoulders, back, and core. Which means I need to find time to exercise regularly, including getting back to doing yoga. Aside from nearly daily walks,kegels, and trying to draw my navel toward my spine whenever I think of it, I haven't done much exercise since baby's arrival.
   
3. Learn how to cook healthy but tasty meals that both meat-eating AC and I will enjoy (obviously this wont really be necessary until we get to Japan and are finally settled in our own home). This past year I have not had the opportunity or the means to cook much, and I am starting to miss it. I've been thinking about buying The Flexitarian Table: Inspired, Flexible Meals for Vegetarians, Meat Lovers, and Everyone in Between. I think it might be the solution to feeding a carnivorous husband who doesn't always enjoy my vegetarian fare.
   
4. Stick to a budget, especially when it comes to grocery shopping. Now that we have a baby and will be living in expensive Japan, I am going to have to be more careful about spending money.
   
5. Establish a schedule for keeping the house clean. This year was unusual in that I often didn't have to do the cleaning (such as when I was living in NYC with my dad, at our family house in CT, or here in CA with my mom), which was really nice. But once we move to Japan and have our own place, I'll have to reestablish a routine. I also need to get over my all or nothing attitude when it comes to keeping house. I either clean everything obsessively or let everything go, but with a baby I'll have to take a more balanced approach to making sure the place is clean enough without going overboard.
6. Cultivate my own interests. Both for my own sake and to set a good example for the baby, I need to ensure that I maintain and possibly expand my current interests and creative pursuits.
   
7. Get out of the house and explore! I have a tendency to be a homebody, but again, in order to set a good example for the baby and to enrich his life, I need to try new things.
8. Make new friends and stay in touch with old friends. With AC gone a lot in Japan, I'll need the support of friends near and far.
   
9. Try to blog more regularly, although I realize with a baby, it certainly wont be as often as before.
10. Be the best mother I can be without beating myself up over my inevitable mistakes. Basically, I want to be a "good enough" mother.
    

I don't normally do the whole New Year's Resolution thing, but I thought it might be fun to have some goals to motivate me this year. I have to say, 2009 was a great year! I finally became pregnant and my wish for a baby was fulfilled. I'm interested to see how 2010 goes for our little family this year. We'll finally be stationed at a base longer than 8 months and will have a chance to settle in to a community, a home, a way of life for once. It will also be my first real experience with living the life of an active duty spouse as AC will be gone a lot on TDYs and possibly deployments. Plus, there will be a new member of the family to consider in every decision that we make. I'm both excited about and apprehensive of our upcoming move. However 2010 turns out, it will certainly be different than any year thus far!

Week 27: Welcome to the Third Trimester!

How far along? 27 weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: As of week 25, up about 3.5 lbs since last 20 week OB visit, up about 6 lbs since 16 week OB visit, up about 14 lbs since 11 week OB visit, up about 18 lbs since November pre-pregnancy weight.
Maternity clothes? Yes, although I'm starting to outgrow some of them already (the fact that they used to belong to a 5 foot tall Asian woman makes me feel a little better about it though).
Stretch marks? No new ones yet.
Sleep: Overall, restless and unsatisfying. I sleep quite a bit (except for those occasional nights when I don't!) but can't seem to ever feel rested enough. I flip over from side to side all night long because if I lie on one side for too long, my hip starts to hurt, I get up to pee frequently, and I continue to have lots of really vivid and frequently disturbing dreams. I am tired most of the time, but still grateful that I can sleep at all.
Best moment this week: Feeling and seeing movement at around the level of my belly button, the highest up yet!
Movement: Yes, and lots of it, at least on some days. On other days, he's strangely quiet. There seem to be more rolls, turns, and subtle movements and fewer definite kicks and jabs. I guess it's starting to get cramped in there. The movement is sometimes still really low, but other times it's as high as my belly button area. There are also occasional bouts of hiccups.
Food cravings: None really. These days I just crave any food that wont give me a stomach ache and gas!
Gender: Still a boy, as far as I know :)
Labor Signs: No, don't think so, although sometimes my belly does get harder, so I think I may have experienced a few Braxton Hicks contractions.
Belly Button in or out? Top part is definitely out, while the bottom part is still sort of halfway in, although it really depends on the time of day (later in the day, it tends to stick out more).
What I miss: Not having such frequent stomach aches and gas, sleeping soundly and feeling well-rested, being able to do certain yoga poses.
What I am looking forward to: The next ultrasound (whenever that will be), meeting my new MFM in California, prenatal classes (first one is tonight!), having my mom and friends in California see me in my pregnant state, taking prenatal yoga classes and walking outside in the beautiful California weather, Ziggy's arrival!
Weekly Wisdom: Don't stress about pregnancy weight gain, eat small frequent meals, practice your Kegel exercises, get as much rest as you can, begin monitoring fetal movement through daily kick counts.
Milestones: This week marks the end of the second trimester and the beginning of the third! Ziggy's eyes will open this week or next, and by now he can supposedly start to identify my voice...awwwww. Ziggy's testicles are hopefully descending too. If Ziggy were born now, he would have an 85% chance of survival. Oh yeah, and my breasts started to leak colostrum!

To culminate or not to culminate, that is the excruciating question...

According to my various pregnancy tickers, I have only 99 days left until Ziggy's due date! 99 days of freedom, some might say. Not that I view having a baby as a prison sentence or anything, but I do realize that my life is going to change drastically once the little guy is here. Which brings me to my question: how should I spend these next 3 months? AC and my parents are pressuring me to finally finish my masters degree this fall. I have only one class, the dreaded culminating experience, left to complete, which requires a substantial amount of work. Basically, I need to create an e-portfolio of some of the work I've done in the program, showing how I fulfilled 14 competencies, which will entail writing about 16 short essays and possibly over 100 pages. On the one had, I would love to just be done with it all before Ziggy is born. But on the other hand, I can't imagine spending the last precious months of my pregnancy stressing about school work. So, in order to clarify the issue in my mind and reach some sort of conclusion, I've decided to make a list of the pros and cons of enrolling for Fall 2009.

Pros:

If I pass, I can finally kiss this master's program goodbye and move on with my life.

I'll have a master's degree (specifically an MLIS), which might come in handy later on if I decide to or need to go back to work, even if I don't work in a library setting. For example, some universities will only hire yoga instructors who have a master's degree.

AC and my parents will finally get off my back about completing my degree.

I will serve as a good role model for Ziggy (AC pointed this one out, not me!).

It will give me something to do, to occupy my time while I wait for the little guy to arrive. I may end up feeling pretty bored in California if my mom is occupied with her own work, and friends are too busy to see me. Plus, if I don't have a car, I will be stuck at home a lot or at the mercy of my mother to drive me around.

It won't be any easier (in fact, it will be harder) to complete the e-portfolio once I have a baby to look after. Basically, I'm worried that if I don'd do this now, I'll never finish it.

I've already invested a lot of time, money, and energy into this program, and it would be a shame to throw all of that away.

I'll feel embarrased and ashamed to admit to others that I gave up completing the program.

If I submit and pass 10 of the 14 competencies, I can get an incomplete and finish the remainder of the work over the next year, which would probably be doable if difficult, what with the baby and the move to Japan.

If I don't enroll in classes this semester, I'll have to reapply in order to finish the degree (the university only allows you to skip one semester at a time without taking official leave due to illness, military orders, or educational endeavors before making you reapply to the program, and I've already skipped this past spring semeter). Reapplying wont be too hard, but it will be annoying, especially to have to do it from Japan, and I wont be able to reapply until 2011 since California's buget cuts prevent the school from accepting any applications for 2010.

What with the budget cuts and California's current economic crisis, it seems like it might be wise to quickly finish the degree before the program goes belly up, they hike the tuition or make any other changes that could affect my completion of the degree.

The worst case scenario is that I end up never completing the degree and regret it later in life. Can I live with that?

Cons:

Pregnancy brain has made me stupid. I feel like it's a huge effort to think coherently. I've become really forgetful lately, which is unusual for me, and feel like I can't think clearly. Not good when trying to finish a master's degree!

My sleep is erratic--sometimes it's great, sometimes not. When it's not, I am basically useless for the next day or two (or three--these days, it seems to take me a lot longer to recover from sleep deprivation), have trouble thinking and concentrating, feel out of it, and can't imagine getting any academic work done. It's likely my insomnia will only get worse as I progress with my pregnancy.

There is still a lot to be done to prepare for Ziggy's arrival. I need to do a lot more research on baby gear and make some final decisions about certain purchases. Reading online reviews, browsing Craigslist and SU Market (Stanford University's version of Craigslist) for deals on baby gear and then arranging to pick the items up, scouting out stores for deals on baby gear, trying to hit up a few people in California to borrow stuff, buying and setting up everything we need for Ziggy's arrival (even if we get only the bare minimum, there is still quite a bit to do), etc.

I need to educate myself about how to take care of a newborn. This will entail lots of reading, viewing of DVDs, and taking of classes, such as infant CPR.

I need to exercise and move as much as possible for my lung health (this is according to my pulmonologist in California), so spending hours sitting in front of my computer probably wouldn't be the best thing for me. Once I'm in California I plan on doing a lot of walking as the weather and surroundings will be a lot more conducive to taking walks. I also want to take some prenatal yoga classes (they don't have any here in Little Rock). Basically I need to avoid a sedentary lifestyle as much as possible.

Even now when I don't use my computer that much, I find that my wrists will frequently bother me. My right wrist (the one I broke this past winter) is especially prone to acting up. Hours on the computer will only make these problems worse and, combined with the tendency of pregnant women to develop carpel tunnel syndrome in the third trimester due to swelling, almost guarantees that my wrists and hands will be in constant pain. Not to mention that once Ziggy arrives, I'll have to pick him up and carry him all the time, which will be really hard if my hands and wrists are already so destroyed.

Schoolwork stresses me out terribly, and everyone says that stress is bad for the baby, especially in the last trimester. Baby feels what you feel. I don't want to have a stressed out pregnancy, baby, or postpartum period.

Ziggy is due on November 5, and the e-portfolio is due on November 17. Of course Ziggy might be late, like I was, but if he's early or even on time, most likely I wont be able to finish by the deadline and at best will get an incomplete (I need to submit and pass at least 10 of the 14 competencies to get an incomplete) and at worst, a No Credit.

I feel totally unprepared to tackle this e-portfolio business. I know I should have been working systematically on it this entire year, but procrastination got the better of me. I also don't honestly feel like I can show proficiency in all of the competencies. I deeply regret not taking certain classes, like cataloging.

The whole point of the e-portfolio is to show off the work you've done in the program and present it to prospective employers in a way that makes them want to hire you. Since I don't plan on working as a librarian anytime soon (or possibly ever) and since I ended up realizing that the profession is not really right for me and that I didn't get much out of the program, I'd basically have to bs my way through the entire thing. Unfortunately I am not very good at bsing.

I am out of practice when it comes to writing, especially academic writing. The last class I took in the program (last fall) was on web design, so it didn't involve any paper writing (part of the reason I chose it as a matter of fact).

I don't have a good, ergonomic setup for my computer here or in California. Spending so much time working on a laptop wont be good for my wrists, back, neck, shoulders, eyes, or body in general. Combined with the aches and pains of pregnancy as I get larger and further along, I could end up being really uncomfortable by the end.

I have no motivation to finish the degree and could care less about having an MLIS.

I want to enjoy what's left of my pregnancy, to talk, sing, and read to Ziggy, to concentrate on feeling him move, and to bond with him before he arrives.

I want to enjoy this trip to California, since it may be the last time I get to spend a substantial amount of time there for a while. I want to spend as much time outside as possible, taking walks and observing the beautiful scenery and the fall foliage, especially since I've spent the summer mostly indoors here in hot, humid Arkansas. I want to see as many friends as possible and take advantage of all there is to do in that part of the country.

I want to rest, relax, enjoy myself, and do as many of those activities as I possibly can that I wont be able to do once the baby comes, like go to the movies, go out to eat, or hang out with friends. Once Ziggy is born, I'll be exhausted, sleep-deprived, and pretty much tied to being at home with the baby. Again, I have no problem with this--I'm prepared for it and even looking forward to it in an odd way. But it does make me feel like I don't want to waste these last few months doing something I'll hate.

Schoolwork not only stresses me out, it puts me in a perpetually bad mood. AC always says I'm a much nicer person and much more pleasant to be around when I'm not a student!

The last time I visited my mom, my computer had a really hard time connecting with her wireless network, so most of the time my internet connection was really unreliable. I definitely need reliable internet access to complete my e-portfolio.

I have no way of knowing what will happen in the third trimester as regards my health and my pregnancy. If I end up getting sick, end up in the hospital, or have premature labor and delivery, this could postpone or prevent my completion of the e-portfolio.

I am out of practice with doing schoolwork and being disciplined about deadlines. My life has been pretty easy since I've come to Little Rock. My days are very relaxed and laid-back, but I still have enough to do to keep me occupied and not bored. Basically, I have gotten lazy and undisciplined, and it's going to be difficult to get back into the student and schoolwork mindset.

The worst case scenario is that, after busting my butt to finish the e-portfolio before Ziggy is born, I end up not passing and getting a NC, which means I'll have to reregister, repay, and redo most of the work later. Ugh!

After reading through all these points, I still have no idea what I want to do. My mind wavers constantly between thinking, "There's no way I can do this" and "Won't it be nice to just get this done and out of the way?" Ahhh, I feel like I'm going crazy! It's pathetic, I am a fully grown woman about to have a baby, and yet I feel like a child myself. I want to just pull the covers over my head and wish this whole e-portfolio nonsense away. Or I want someone to take my hand and lead me through the process step by step, guiding and encouraging me constantly along the way. Geez, I am so pathetic! My mother was writing her doctorate while pregnant with me, and she finished it a few months after I was born. Clearly the apple can fall very far from the tree!

Anyway, thinking and writing about this is making me depressed. I'll finish this for now, but will probably write more about this soon. I need to make a decision by August 16, the deadline for enrolling in classes.

Ziggy's New Little Friend

Yesterday, the most charming little present arrived in the mail for Ziggy from some dear friends! It's an adorable monkey cuddle blanket from Angel Dear, and I can't wait to snap a picture of Ziggy with what will most likely become his favorite companion:



I love that it's a monkey! One of my first and favorite stuffed animals was a monkey named Macaca (he's still somewhere in our house in CT, as is my beloved Curious George stuffed animal). This little guy is super soft and cuddly and, most importantly, machine washable! Thank you, Xin Lei and Box Boy! I am sure Ziggy will be comforted and soothed for many years to come by his snuggly little friend :)

The Tyranny of "Stuff"

Can I just say, I hate registries! There's a reason AC and I chose not to have a registry for our wedding. Sure, a lot of people just gave us money or gift cards as presents, but that was fine with us. It allowed us to purchase items as we realized we needed them, so we actually bought useful things, rather than ending up with a bunch of stuff we thought we needed, but really didn't. In addition, we also received some pretty cool items that we never would have gotten from a traditional registry, such as a mirror with a beautiful handmade frame from Israel, a Fondue pot (it's actually been really useful for entertaining), a subscription to Netflix (which proved indispensable when we were forced to live in the Mojave Desert with the nearest movie theater being an hour away), and adorable yin and yang salt and pepper shakers. I'm not saying wedding registries are all bad. AC and I have certainly found them useful when we've had to purchase a wedding gift for someone. But I don't think they're absolutely necessary in every case.

The reason I bring this up is that on Friday, my friend dragged me to Babies R Us to set one up, and let me tell you, it was a painful process, at least for me (she seemed to be rather enjoying herself!). It's not that her advice wasn't helpful--it was! If I ever need to buy any of this stuff, now at least I know which brand or type to purchase. I just felt like I was being forced to add all this unnecessary stuff to the registry that I don't plan on buying or having anyone buy for me. The only good part was that I received a "Bornfree" bottle as a free gift for setting up my registry.

I'm not even sure I need a registry. After all, as far as I know, no one is planning on throwing me a baby shower. And even if my mom does throw me a little shower in California with a few mutual friends, I would only expect people to buy me some cute baby clothes or toys, nothing big or expensive. It just seems wrong somehow to expect people to buy me a bunch of fairly expensive stuff. Now if I had a large, close-knit family that all lived nearby, I would completely see the value and necessity of a registry. But honestly, the only people whom I expect to buy me the larger ticket items we might need are my parents, and can't I just tell them what we want?

Anyway, the whole registry expedition left me feeling very insecure and unsure of our decision to keep our baby gear purchases to a minimum. Could all this stuff really be necessary? After all, there must be a good reason for people to buy all this stuff for baby. Do they do it because they're first time parents who don't know any better and get overly excited by all the cute baby gear and lured in by persuasive salespeople who convince them that yes, they absolutely have to have that bouncer or swing or whatever? Or do they see other parents buying tons of stuff and feel like they have to compete in order to be considered good parents, that if they don't buy junior every single item that everyone else gets that they're somehow depriving the child for life? Or do they buy these things because, while expensive, bulky, and space-consuming, they're convenient and make the parents' lives easier? I really don't know. What I do know is that somehow I was raised without all of this stuff and managed to survive, as have countless other babies in the past.

Anyone who knows me really well knows that I don't like owning a lot of stuff. This aversion to stuff has several causes: 1) My step-father is a total pack rat, and having grown up in a cluttered, disorganized environment (and hated it!), I do my best to avoid accumulating unnecessary stuff. 2) Because I'm obsessive, I hate making decisions, and purchasing stuff requires making lots of decisions. I can't tell you how many times I've bought something and then regretted it later, for whatever reason. Basically shopping for stuff makes me anxious and brings out my obsessive qualities, so unless I absolutely need something, I would rather go without it than have to purchase it. 3) Since AC and I move around frequently and have had some of our stuff stolen and broken by movers, it just doesn't make sense to own a lot of stuff (especially nice stuff). 4) I try to be at least somewhat environmentally conscious, and the production and maintenance of stuff is decidedly environmentally unfriendly. 5) There is something very freeing about not being tied to worldly possessions. After all, you can't take it with you, or as one of AC's favorite quotes reads: There are no pockets in a shroud. If a natural disaster (fire, flood, etc) were to destroy all of our possessions, I would definitely mourn the loss of certain irreplaceable things, such as photographs, all of the data on my hard drive, and a few select items that have sentimental value, but for the most part, I would be ok. As long as I still had AC, I'd be fine.

I know that having a baby will entail the accumulation of a certain amount of stuff. But exactly how much is unclear. Some people would have you believe that you need to buy everything under the sun. Others insist that you can get by with the bare minimum and that all babies really need is love, attention, and lots of time from their parents. Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in the middle. All I know right now is that I feel overwhelmed by these choices and decisions. This is by far my least favorite part of being pregnant!

Week 24: Yay for V Day!

Today is viability day, which means that if Ziggy were born today, he would have a 50% chance of surviving, albeit with a lot of medical intervention and time in the NICU. I can't say I'm crazy about those odds, but it's certainly better than no chance of survival. Obviously I want the little guy to stay in as long as possible, preferably to full term. According to my friend with two boys, baby boys are the most fragile of all babies and really need to stay in till as close to 40 weeks as possible. Apparently, this is especially true of white baby boys (isn't it ironic that white male babies are considered the weakest?), but since Ziggy will be hapa, I'm hoping that will give him an advantage :)

I was almost a week late myself (I think my EDD was March 30, but I actually arrived on April 5), so it will be interesting to see when Ziggy arrives, especially given that we know the exact date of his conception. Of course my parents claimed that they knew the exact date of my conception as well since they were using the famous rhythm method to avoid pregnancy. Well, apparently it's not the greatest form of birth control! I was conceived on something like the 21st, 22nd, or 23rd day of my mom's cycle (my parents have told me the exact day--I just don't remember), which means she ovulated really late.

When I was trying to conceive naturally and tracking my ovulation with basal body temperature, I noticed that I had a tendency to ovulate late as well, so maybe it runs in the family. We also both have short luteal phases, which can affect fertility. My mother often says she was lucky that I was an "accident," because otherwise she probably wouldn't have had any children (what with all of her subsequent miscarriages).

24 weeks also means I have only 1 week until my next appointment with Dr. W and my glucose screen, where I have to drink a sugar solution and then have my blood drawn an hour later. I hope I pass because if I don't, I have to do the glucose tolerance test, which is basically a repeat of the first test, except the sugar solution is more concentrated or at a larger volume, and then I'll have my blood drawn every hour for 3 hours. If I fail this test, it means I officially have gestational diabetes.

I don't know if I'm supposed to fast or not before the glucose screen because I didn't receive any instructions, but I think I'll just go ahead and not eat any breakfast before my appointment just in case--I certainly don't want to have to repeat or reschedule the test just because I ate something when I wasn't supposed to. Thankfully my appointment's in the morning, so fasting shouldn't be that hard.

Apparently some women feel really nauseated from the sugar solution, and since I tend to feel really awful when I consume something sugary on an empty stomach (according to SH, who is a Type 2 diabetic, this can be a sign of hypoglycemia, which can itself be a precursor to diabetes), I'm both worried that I'll feel horrible and also that I'll fail the test. My grandfather had Type 2 diabetes, and his mother, my great-grandmother, actually died from complications of diabetes in her 50s (of course, at that time, she received no medical help whatsoever).

Anyway, yay again for viability day! I hope Ziggy continues to bake for another 16 weeks or so! Of course I may soon be changing my tune as I grow bigger and more uncomfortable, but right now I feel like I could happily remain pregnant forever :)

More Friends, Food, and Fun!

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I meant to write a post for week 22, but it came and went, and I lacked any inspiration to try to come up with anything interesting to say. I still feel like I don't really have much to say at the moment, so I'll just quickly update about our weekend.

Our pre 4th of July BBQ pool party on Friday went off without a hitch. Everyone seemed to have a good time, there was enough food, but not so much left over as to be obnoxious, it wasn't too hot and was slightly overcast but never rained, we had the pool all to ourselves (it seemed like a lot of people went away for the weekend or were at the other pool), and no one from apartment management got on our case about having more than two people at the pool (technically you can only have two guests in the pool area per apartment).

For food, we had burgers with all the fixings, pork loin, and ribs for the meat eaters, grilled wild salmon for me (although several of the guests seemed interested in my fish, so I had to share my second piece, which was probably a good thing, or I would have gone over my 12 oz allotment for the week :), veggie burgers for the one vegetarian we had, plus grilled corn, onions, mushrooms, asparagus, and a sweet potato for me (I've had a craving lately but it's too hot to bake them in the oven). And someone brought a salad, which I don't think was very popular, because most of it was left uneaten. And my half-Russian friend brought these amazing, healthy, organic rice crispy treats made with puffed brown rice, honey, peanut butter, and dried fruit. They were a real hit, with both the kids and grownups alike :) I'm going to have to get the recipe from her.

Anyway, here's a picture that one of our guests took (thankfully I'm not in it--I think I must have gone to the bathroom):



The rest of the weekend also went well. AC and I saw two movies at the dollar theater. AC was kind of surprised that he liked the first movie a lot more than the second. I think it was especially poignant now that he's going to be a father himself.

We also spent some time at Barnes and Nobles (AC studied while I read books about baby gear) and then checked out said baby gear at Baby Depot, Toys R Us, and Target. I think we've pretty much decided on a car seat, but I'll go into that more in a later post. Anyway, all in all a great weekend! And today we're going berry picking with some friends, so more fun is to be had!

Friends, Food, and Fun!

What a great weekend! On Saturday, AC tested for his first green stripe on his white belt for Cuong Nhu and passed. Yay! I caught the tail end of the kids' test that took place before AC's test, and it was so cute to see such little people (the youngest was a 5 year old girl) following the teacher and taking the whole thing so seriously. We definitely plan to have our son try martial arts. AC always wanted to do martial arts as a kid, but his mother wouldn't let him because she thought it was silly and would just distract him from school. Personally I think it's a great way for kids to gain self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-defense skills as well.

On Sunday we braved the Arkansas heat and humidity to spend a lovely afternoon at one of Arkansas' many lakes with some friends (the wife is the half-Russian women I've mentioned before) and their two cute boys. They all ate Shashlik (Russian BBQ), while I had grilled wild salmon. There was also German potato salad, a really good pasta salad (which has inspired me to try and make some pasta salads of my own), and watermelon. After eating and cleaning up, we went down by the water where everyone else swam, while I lounged in our foldout armchair with footrest in the shade of a tree, hand on my belly to feel for Ziggy's kicks (of which there were quite a few!), and drank lots of water, read, watched the others swimming and catching small fish, and talked to my friend whenever she came over with one or another of her kids to get a snack, go to the bathroom, etc. It was wonderful! I always enjoy talking to her because she is full of advice about kids and really open about what has and has not worked for them. I may not always agree with everything she suggests (like how it's absolutely necessary to have a minivan, especially with two kids--I know families who are able to get away with only one small car), but I really appreciate her candor, and I have definitely gleaned a lot about child-rearing from her. Despite the heat, I had a great time and managed to avoid getting overheated. I think the key was minimal exertion while outside, staying in the shade, and hydrating.

Ziggy has been kicking more and more, and I absolutely love it! Sometimes it makes me laugh because it sort of tickles, and it always makes me smile. Sunday morning I was feeling for kicks in my belly when a funny thing happened. As usual Ziggy was kicking really low on the right side, but then all of a sudden, he must have rolled over or something because, when I looked down at my tummy, it was completely lopsided! The left side of my tummy was bulging out a lot more than the right side, so it looked like an uneven ski slope, and when I put my hand on the left side, I could feel that it felt a lot firmer than the right side. And then he started kicking me on the left side. It was just the funnies thing to see my belly looking so asymmetrical! I really wish AC had been awake to see it, but he was asleep as usual. He has been able to feel the baby kick a few times though and seems to get a real "kick" out of it:) Sorry, lame pun!

But seriously, I think feeling the baby kick has made us both feel a lot closer to him. He seems even more real now. It's been fun for me trying to figure out a pattern to when he kicks. He does seem to kick at around the same times each day, and I read that at this stage, babies are already developing their own sleep-wake cycle. I'm glad that he seems to be awake quite frequently during the day--I'd be worried if he only kicked at night that we have a real night owl on our hands. So far he doesn't seem to kick a lot at night or else it's not yet strong enough to keep me awake. The few times I've felt it after waking up to go pee, I've been able to quickly fall asleep again.

Anyway, all in all a great weekend! I'm looking forward to this Friday when we'll be having those same friends and some of AC's Cuong Nhu pals over for a pre 4th of July BBQ. More friends, food, and fun :)

I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time...

I am feeling a lot better since I last posted. AC and I had some nice, long heart to hearts this weekend, and I was surprised to learn that he's feeling kind of down too. I'd known he was moody at times, but I didn't realize that he'd felt so consistently depressed for the past few weeks, basically since Memorial Day weekend. We both agreed that at least part of our doldrums was caused by our lack of structure. Obviously he has more than me, what with his job and Cuong Nhu classes, but he still feels like he lacks it at home. We've kind of come up with a schedule for when we're both at home, so we feel like we at least accomplish a few things, instead of just wasting time on our respective computers.

We also got to watch a thunderstorm on Friday afternoon from our balcony, which definitely raised my spirits. I love rain, especially thunderstorms. It didn't turn out to be as strong or as fierce as predicted, but the wind did get feisty enough to blow two pool chairs into the pool. After the storm had died down, it left a lovely cold front in its wake, so AC and I decided to take an evening stroll to enjoy the cool 63 degree weather (after the humid 90 degrees we'd been experiencing, it was a welcome relief!). We'd heard from a friend that the pedestrian bridge that leads to downtown Little Rock, which conveniently begins right outside our apartment complex, was finally open again after months of construction, so we decided to go check it out.

We live in North Little Rock, which is separated from Little Rock by a river. There are six bridges connecting one side to the other, one of which is solely a pedestrian bridge. Before this bridge reopened, walking downtown necessitated walking to another bridge that has both vehicular traffic and a pedestrian walk area. Not only was the walk significantly longer, but it was also a lot less pleasant, since it involved breathing in exhaust from passing vehicles.

Anyway, we walked across the pedestrian bridge for the first time, right into the heart of downtown Little Rock, and ended up discovering a cute little park with an amazing jungle gym and climbing area for kids. It was really sophisticated for a playground--much more interesting than anything I ever played on as a kid. Overall, Little Rock seems like a good place to raise a family. AC says we may come back here at some point if he chooses to be an instructor here. I think I'd like that. It certainly beats being an instructor in Del Rio or even Corpus Christi!

The rest of the weekend consisted of me walking across the same bridge the next morning to buy some fresh produce at the farmer's market while AC was at Cuong Nhu, us going to see Sunshine Cleaning at the dollar theater (we are regular frequenters of the dollar theater!), which we quite enjoyed, having a yummy final dinner with the Singaporean girl in AC's class at a Vietnamese restuarant (her training's been delayed so she probably wont leave until Wednesday), and discovering a new tv show, Mad Men, for us to watch. So far we love it! I'd highly recommend it, especially to anyone with an interest in 20th century US history. It's set in the 1960s, and it's hard to believe sometimes how misogynist everyone was! Anyway, all in all a good weekend :)

This week I have a number of things to look forward to as well. I may be babysitting tonight for that Russian friend I've mentioned before (although she and her kids are sick, so she may call it off). On Wednesday I have an appointment with my ENT, which I desperately need. I am so congested in my sinuses and ears. I'm having trouble hearing again, so I need him to get in there and suck all that crap out, especially before our flight on Friday. Wednesday is also our 3 year anniversary! We probably wont do anything special, but I did get AC a little card, and I want to get him a little joke present. He keeps talking about how he wishes he had a spork to more easily eat his sausage and veggie hobopack that he has almost everyday for lunch. So I was thinking I'll get him a spork if I can find one--maybe at Beth, Bath & Beyond (I have a coupon for there too!). Thursday morning at 8:30 am we have our ultrasound, and then I have my actual appointment a few hours later. AC wont be able to make it to the appointment, but thankfully he will get to be there for the ultrasound, which is the important thing. And then on Friday we leave for Maryland and a weekend of wedding festivities. It will be fun to see AC's high school friends again. Plus, I always love a good wedding! Anyway, lots to look forward to!

Week 19: Feeling Blah

Only a week left until Ziggy gets a proper pronoun--no more of this s/he, his/her business! Thank goodness AC will be able to attend the ultrasound. It would be pretty pathetic if I had to go alone.

In general I've been feeling kind of blah lately. I think I just need more to do, more stimulation. Sitting at home all day by myself is not conducive to feeling good. I don't know why it's only hitting me now. I guess AC was home more in the beginning, and I was still settling in, getting used to living here. I'm sure there's a lot I could do on my own, but I am just not the type to go out and explore by myself, especially when it's so hot and humid outside. Plus, I really want someone to do things with. I think I am just lonely. Between work, Cuong Nhu classes, drum circle, Rosetta Stone, hanging out with friends, and checking stocks, Facebooking, and reading the news on his computer, AC's life is pretty busy. I feel like I am always just sitting around and waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to finish whatever he's doing on the computer, waiting for him to pay attention to me. It's pathetic.

I know I need more of a life of my own, but I feel hampered by my own insecurities and by the fact that we simply wont be here for very long. It doesn't seem worth it to get a part-time job, volunteer, or try to get involved in the community. I don't know where or how to meet people. Last night we went out to dinner with AC's class to bid farewell to three of his classmates. Two other people brought their wives, and I got to talk to them a little, but one of them is leaving today (her husband was one of the three leaving), and the other is not going to be here much longer either. Plus, I just didn't get the sense that she was particularly interested in keeping in touch. The two other people (a guy and a girl) who were leaving were probably AC's closest friends in the class--I got to know them a bit too because we hung out together a few times. The girl is from Singapore, and we had a really nice time talking last night at dinner. I wish she weren't leaving already--she's actually someone I could imagine being friends with.

Anyway, I feel like it's wrong to not be blissfully happy right now what with Ziggy on the way and everything. I'm still very excited and thrilled to be having a baby and am looking forward to meeting him/her (grrr...only 7 more days). It's just that right now, at this very moment, I feel listless, bored, down, overly sensitive, and like I don't know what to do with myself. I'm pretty sure some of this moodiness can be attributed to pregnancy hormones. But I also feel like something needs to change. I need something to give my days shape, structure, order. I need to take up some hobbies or something. I suppose the most obvious thing would be for me to spend this time working on my final project for my master's, which AC really wants me to finish this fall. It will be hard to finish it with the baby coming, especially if Ziggy decides to arrive early, but I suppose if I don't do it now, it will be even harder when I have a baby to look after. Working on that would definitely keep me occupied, but I'm not sure if it would make me any happier. I don't know.

Anyway, I apologize for yet another whiny, self-absorbed post. Hopefully I will start feeling better soon.