New Year's Resolutions for 2010

1. Lose the baby weight! I have about 15 pounds to go, not bad considering I gained over 45 while pregnant. I don't even care so much about the number on the scale, but it would be nice to be able to fit into some of my old clothes. My wardrobe is shockingly limited these days!
2. Even more important than losing the baby weight is getting physically fit. Since I broke my wrist before becoming pregnant, I entered the pregnancy with a weaker upper body than usual. Now that I have to tote around an increasingly heavy baby who is growing at an astonishing rate, I've realized that I really need to strengthen my arms, shoulders, back, and core. Which means I need to find time to exercise regularly, including getting back to doing yoga. Aside from nearly daily walks,kegels, and trying to draw my navel toward my spine whenever I think of it, I haven't done much exercise since baby's arrival.
   
3. Learn how to cook healthy but tasty meals that both meat-eating AC and I will enjoy (obviously this wont really be necessary until we get to Japan and are finally settled in our own home). This past year I have not had the opportunity or the means to cook much, and I am starting to miss it. I've been thinking about buying The Flexitarian Table: Inspired, Flexible Meals for Vegetarians, Meat Lovers, and Everyone in Between. I think it might be the solution to feeding a carnivorous husband who doesn't always enjoy my vegetarian fare.
   
4. Stick to a budget, especially when it comes to grocery shopping. Now that we have a baby and will be living in expensive Japan, I am going to have to be more careful about spending money.
   
5. Establish a schedule for keeping the house clean. This year was unusual in that I often didn't have to do the cleaning (such as when I was living in NYC with my dad, at our family house in CT, or here in CA with my mom), which was really nice. But once we move to Japan and have our own place, I'll have to reestablish a routine. I also need to get over my all or nothing attitude when it comes to keeping house. I either clean everything obsessively or let everything go, but with a baby I'll have to take a more balanced approach to making sure the place is clean enough without going overboard.
6. Cultivate my own interests. Both for my own sake and to set a good example for the baby, I need to ensure that I maintain and possibly expand my current interests and creative pursuits.
   
7. Get out of the house and explore! I have a tendency to be a homebody, but again, in order to set a good example for the baby and to enrich his life, I need to try new things.
8. Make new friends and stay in touch with old friends. With AC gone a lot in Japan, I'll need the support of friends near and far.
   
9. Try to blog more regularly, although I realize with a baby, it certainly wont be as often as before.
10. Be the best mother I can be without beating myself up over my inevitable mistakes. Basically, I want to be a "good enough" mother.
    

I don't normally do the whole New Year's Resolution thing, but I thought it might be fun to have some goals to motivate me this year. I have to say, 2009 was a great year! I finally became pregnant and my wish for a baby was fulfilled. I'm interested to see how 2010 goes for our little family this year. We'll finally be stationed at a base longer than 8 months and will have a chance to settle in to a community, a home, a way of life for once. It will also be my first real experience with living the life of an active duty spouse as AC will be gone a lot on TDYs and possibly deployments. Plus, there will be a new member of the family to consider in every decision that we make. I'm both excited about and apprehensive of our upcoming move. However 2010 turns out, it will certainly be different than any year thus far!

To culminate or not to culminate, that is the excruciating question...

According to my various pregnancy tickers, I have only 99 days left until Ziggy's due date! 99 days of freedom, some might say. Not that I view having a baby as a prison sentence or anything, but I do realize that my life is going to change drastically once the little guy is here. Which brings me to my question: how should I spend these next 3 months? AC and my parents are pressuring me to finally finish my masters degree this fall. I have only one class, the dreaded culminating experience, left to complete, which requires a substantial amount of work. Basically, I need to create an e-portfolio of some of the work I've done in the program, showing how I fulfilled 14 competencies, which will entail writing about 16 short essays and possibly over 100 pages. On the one had, I would love to just be done with it all before Ziggy is born. But on the other hand, I can't imagine spending the last precious months of my pregnancy stressing about school work. So, in order to clarify the issue in my mind and reach some sort of conclusion, I've decided to make a list of the pros and cons of enrolling for Fall 2009.

Pros:

If I pass, I can finally kiss this master's program goodbye and move on with my life.

I'll have a master's degree (specifically an MLIS), which might come in handy later on if I decide to or need to go back to work, even if I don't work in a library setting. For example, some universities will only hire yoga instructors who have a master's degree.

AC and my parents will finally get off my back about completing my degree.

I will serve as a good role model for Ziggy (AC pointed this one out, not me!).

It will give me something to do, to occupy my time while I wait for the little guy to arrive. I may end up feeling pretty bored in California if my mom is occupied with her own work, and friends are too busy to see me. Plus, if I don't have a car, I will be stuck at home a lot or at the mercy of my mother to drive me around.

It won't be any easier (in fact, it will be harder) to complete the e-portfolio once I have a baby to look after. Basically, I'm worried that if I don'd do this now, I'll never finish it.

I've already invested a lot of time, money, and energy into this program, and it would be a shame to throw all of that away.

I'll feel embarrased and ashamed to admit to others that I gave up completing the program.

If I submit and pass 10 of the 14 competencies, I can get an incomplete and finish the remainder of the work over the next year, which would probably be doable if difficult, what with the baby and the move to Japan.

If I don't enroll in classes this semester, I'll have to reapply in order to finish the degree (the university only allows you to skip one semester at a time without taking official leave due to illness, military orders, or educational endeavors before making you reapply to the program, and I've already skipped this past spring semeter). Reapplying wont be too hard, but it will be annoying, especially to have to do it from Japan, and I wont be able to reapply until 2011 since California's buget cuts prevent the school from accepting any applications for 2010.

What with the budget cuts and California's current economic crisis, it seems like it might be wise to quickly finish the degree before the program goes belly up, they hike the tuition or make any other changes that could affect my completion of the degree.

The worst case scenario is that I end up never completing the degree and regret it later in life. Can I live with that?

Cons:

Pregnancy brain has made me stupid. I feel like it's a huge effort to think coherently. I've become really forgetful lately, which is unusual for me, and feel like I can't think clearly. Not good when trying to finish a master's degree!

My sleep is erratic--sometimes it's great, sometimes not. When it's not, I am basically useless for the next day or two (or three--these days, it seems to take me a lot longer to recover from sleep deprivation), have trouble thinking and concentrating, feel out of it, and can't imagine getting any academic work done. It's likely my insomnia will only get worse as I progress with my pregnancy.

There is still a lot to be done to prepare for Ziggy's arrival. I need to do a lot more research on baby gear and make some final decisions about certain purchases. Reading online reviews, browsing Craigslist and SU Market (Stanford University's version of Craigslist) for deals on baby gear and then arranging to pick the items up, scouting out stores for deals on baby gear, trying to hit up a few people in California to borrow stuff, buying and setting up everything we need for Ziggy's arrival (even if we get only the bare minimum, there is still quite a bit to do), etc.

I need to educate myself about how to take care of a newborn. This will entail lots of reading, viewing of DVDs, and taking of classes, such as infant CPR.

I need to exercise and move as much as possible for my lung health (this is according to my pulmonologist in California), so spending hours sitting in front of my computer probably wouldn't be the best thing for me. Once I'm in California I plan on doing a lot of walking as the weather and surroundings will be a lot more conducive to taking walks. I also want to take some prenatal yoga classes (they don't have any here in Little Rock). Basically I need to avoid a sedentary lifestyle as much as possible.

Even now when I don't use my computer that much, I find that my wrists will frequently bother me. My right wrist (the one I broke this past winter) is especially prone to acting up. Hours on the computer will only make these problems worse and, combined with the tendency of pregnant women to develop carpel tunnel syndrome in the third trimester due to swelling, almost guarantees that my wrists and hands will be in constant pain. Not to mention that once Ziggy arrives, I'll have to pick him up and carry him all the time, which will be really hard if my hands and wrists are already so destroyed.

Schoolwork stresses me out terribly, and everyone says that stress is bad for the baby, especially in the last trimester. Baby feels what you feel. I don't want to have a stressed out pregnancy, baby, or postpartum period.

Ziggy is due on November 5, and the e-portfolio is due on November 17. Of course Ziggy might be late, like I was, but if he's early or even on time, most likely I wont be able to finish by the deadline and at best will get an incomplete (I need to submit and pass at least 10 of the 14 competencies to get an incomplete) and at worst, a No Credit.

I feel totally unprepared to tackle this e-portfolio business. I know I should have been working systematically on it this entire year, but procrastination got the better of me. I also don't honestly feel like I can show proficiency in all of the competencies. I deeply regret not taking certain classes, like cataloging.

The whole point of the e-portfolio is to show off the work you've done in the program and present it to prospective employers in a way that makes them want to hire you. Since I don't plan on working as a librarian anytime soon (or possibly ever) and since I ended up realizing that the profession is not really right for me and that I didn't get much out of the program, I'd basically have to bs my way through the entire thing. Unfortunately I am not very good at bsing.

I am out of practice when it comes to writing, especially academic writing. The last class I took in the program (last fall) was on web design, so it didn't involve any paper writing (part of the reason I chose it as a matter of fact).

I don't have a good, ergonomic setup for my computer here or in California. Spending so much time working on a laptop wont be good for my wrists, back, neck, shoulders, eyes, or body in general. Combined with the aches and pains of pregnancy as I get larger and further along, I could end up being really uncomfortable by the end.

I have no motivation to finish the degree and could care less about having an MLIS.

I want to enjoy what's left of my pregnancy, to talk, sing, and read to Ziggy, to concentrate on feeling him move, and to bond with him before he arrives.

I want to enjoy this trip to California, since it may be the last time I get to spend a substantial amount of time there for a while. I want to spend as much time outside as possible, taking walks and observing the beautiful scenery and the fall foliage, especially since I've spent the summer mostly indoors here in hot, humid Arkansas. I want to see as many friends as possible and take advantage of all there is to do in that part of the country.

I want to rest, relax, enjoy myself, and do as many of those activities as I possibly can that I wont be able to do once the baby comes, like go to the movies, go out to eat, or hang out with friends. Once Ziggy is born, I'll be exhausted, sleep-deprived, and pretty much tied to being at home with the baby. Again, I have no problem with this--I'm prepared for it and even looking forward to it in an odd way. But it does make me feel like I don't want to waste these last few months doing something I'll hate.

Schoolwork not only stresses me out, it puts me in a perpetually bad mood. AC always says I'm a much nicer person and much more pleasant to be around when I'm not a student!

The last time I visited my mom, my computer had a really hard time connecting with her wireless network, so most of the time my internet connection was really unreliable. I definitely need reliable internet access to complete my e-portfolio.

I have no way of knowing what will happen in the third trimester as regards my health and my pregnancy. If I end up getting sick, end up in the hospital, or have premature labor and delivery, this could postpone or prevent my completion of the e-portfolio.

I am out of practice with doing schoolwork and being disciplined about deadlines. My life has been pretty easy since I've come to Little Rock. My days are very relaxed and laid-back, but I still have enough to do to keep me occupied and not bored. Basically, I have gotten lazy and undisciplined, and it's going to be difficult to get back into the student and schoolwork mindset.

The worst case scenario is that, after busting my butt to finish the e-portfolio before Ziggy is born, I end up not passing and getting a NC, which means I'll have to reregister, repay, and redo most of the work later. Ugh!

After reading through all these points, I still have no idea what I want to do. My mind wavers constantly between thinking, "There's no way I can do this" and "Won't it be nice to just get this done and out of the way?" Ahhh, I feel like I'm going crazy! It's pathetic, I am a fully grown woman about to have a baby, and yet I feel like a child myself. I want to just pull the covers over my head and wish this whole e-portfolio nonsense away. Or I want someone to take my hand and lead me through the process step by step, guiding and encouraging me constantly along the way. Geez, I am so pathetic! My mother was writing her doctorate while pregnant with me, and she finished it a few months after I was born. Clearly the apple can fall very far from the tree!

Anyway, thinking and writing about this is making me depressed. I'll finish this for now, but will probably write more about this soon. I need to make a decision by August 16, the deadline for enrolling in classes.

On labor, exercise, and sweating...

AC has really gotten involved with his Dojo as of late. What started out as simply a way to get in shape has turned into a serious hobby and a host of new friendships. Not only has AC lost weight and improved his fitness, but in general he seems calmer and more focused. The Cuong Nhu style that he practices reminds me of my own yoga training at times, what with the focus on linking breath with movement, stilling the mind, and the overall mind body connection. I am happy that AC has found something he enjoys doing so much that he willingly goes to the Dojo as many as three times a day for classes if his work schedule allows.

Now that the Dojo is running weekly camps for children, AC has been helping out with the kids when he can, and he always returns with a smile on his face and a story about something cute the kids did that day. Several times this past week, he's said "I love kids!" which warms my heart. He is going to be a great baba, despite his apprehensions :)

Yesterday I observed as he participated in a demonstration at Dillard's to attract more kids to the Dojo. At first the children watching were reluctant to join in, but once one kid agreed to come up, a bunch of others got up the nerve as well. I was impressed with both AC's athletic prowess and his mastery of the techniques, but also with his ability to assist the children, gently guiding them into the correct forms with encouraging words and miles of patience. Most of the children seemed polite and willing to listen and learn, but there was one little boy who repeatedly interrupted, complained, showed off, and behaved quite aggressively. At one point, when AC was attempting to work a particular defensive move with him, the kid kept trying to punch AC in the face. Of course his dad was standing nearby and watching, so AC had to be tactful. I think he handled it really well and probably a lot better than I would have.

Afterward we briefly hung out with the people from the Dojo in the food court and AC's sensei started asking me about my pregnancy and how I was feeling. I'd heard from AC that his wife (whom I've met) did natural childbirth with both of her boys and even delivered the second one at home with a midwife. I was curious to learn more, so I asked him about it. Maybe that was a mistake. I don't think he meant to be preachy, but it kind of came across that way to me. Or it could just be the pregnancy hormones making me more sensitive, but I definitely felt some judgment toward medicated childbirth and even hospital birth coming from him.

I have no problem with people wanting to deliver naturally at home with midwives if that's what they want to do (in fact, I think it's very impressive!), but I think it's wrong to assume that that is what everyone wants or needs or that that scenario is even safe for everyone. Since I'm considered high risk, I definitely need to give birth in a hospital setting. As for the pain medication, personally I am all for it, for myself. After hearing various childbirth stories, I just can't imagine withstanding hours of contractions. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, except when it comes to the pain of menstrual cramps--I can't stand them! I would do almost anything to avoid them.

I had really bad cramps as a child and teen (I say child, because my period started when I was 10, so yes, I would still consider myself a child) to the point that I vomited a couple of times and had to take handfuls of ibuprofen to quell the pain. I remember on numerous occasions having to just lie down on the floor wherever I was in the house because the pain, nausea, hot flashes, and just general feeling of sickness were too intense for me to bear. I have lost countless nights of sleep to menstrual cramps and spent many a perfectly nice day lying in bed with my heating pad, feeling miserable. The scary thing is I know there are girls who suffered even worse than I did! The situation has definitely improved a lot since high school and college, and now my menstrual cramps are much more manageable, but I still have this dread of them. I just don't want my childbirth experience to be miserable, nor do I want to become so exhausted and worn out from the pain that I don't have the strength to push and end up with a c-section. So, yeah, I plan on asking for an epidural if the pain feels too intense (which I'm assuming it will).

Even though I do think the sensei was a little pushy in extolling the benefits of natural labor at home and ridiculing medicated hospital labors, I think I must have been overly sensitive that day, because something else that someone said really ticked me off. One of the sensei's friends is in town and came to participate in the demonstration. Now, this guy not only looks out of shape, but he is out of shape--I feel I can make that judgment because I saw him performing, and he just seemed sluggish and breathless and slow. I also heard him telling someone that he needs to lay off the PBR and do more push-ups and sit-ups (seriously, the guy has quite the beer gut!).

The reason I am being so critical of him is that he had the nerve to tell AC that the reason he sweats so much is because he's out of shape, and that Cuong Nhu isn't enough to get in shape--he needs to do some real cardio, like running, swimming, or biking. First of all, who are you to talk? Second of all, AC has always sweated an abnormal amount, even when he was a little kid. I think he just has overactive sweat glands or something. Even at his fittest (when he came back from boot camp having lost 20 pounds and able to run for long distances with heavy weights on his back), he still sweated buckets. Third of all, excessive sweating during exercise is both a sign of being especially out of shape AND of being especially in shape (or at least that's what I've read) since the body becomes better adapted to cooling itself through sweating. Fourth of all (ok, that sounds stupid, but whatever), AC does get a good cardio workout, at least from the more intense, hard style classes.

This is the same B.S. I've heard people spout about yoga, that it doesn't count as cardio, that it's just a bunch of stretching with a little bit of toning and muscle strengthening. Well, obviously it depends greatly on the style of yoga one does and the level of intensity, but believe me, yoga can definitely be a great cardio workout! Just try doing an intense 90 minute Vinyasa flow class without having your heart rate get up into the cardio range.

Anyway, sorry for the rant! I just needed to vent :) Now I feel silly though because AC just told me that the guy ended up conceding that maybe AC's just naturally a heavy sweater. So, now I feel like a jerk! But I'm posting this anyway so I'll remember how crazy I was during pregnancy!

Wanted and Unwanted Attention

So I had my first pregnancy experience of a stranger touching my belly today (I'm not counting AC's mother--I don't really know her that well, but I wouldn't consider her a stranger). After reading in several pregnancy books that complete strangers will come up to pregnant women and feel their bellies, I was expecting it to happen at some point, so when I saw the woman's hand move toward my belly, I was totally unfazed. It really wasn't weird at all, honestly, probably because I was mentally prepared.

This happened after my Yoga/Pilates/Tai Chi class that I've started taking on base. The instructor's really nice and helps me modify some of the poses so I'm never on my stomach or my back and so that I don't do anything that's contrainidicated in pregnancy. The instructor did tell the rest of the class (there were only four of us total) that I'm pregnant and that's why she's modifying the routine for me.

Anyway, after class that woman came up, asked, "Are you really pregnant? How many months?" and put her hand on my tummy. I told her I was 17 weeks, and she said, "You don't look pregnant" (granted, I was wearing a baggy exercise tee). I didn't really know how to respond so I said, "Thanks, I guess." I wasn't offended or anything, but it did make me wonder whether she meant it as a compliment, whether she was just genuinely surprised, or whether she secretly thought it was unhealthy for me not to show more and assumed that my baby must be malnourished and not growing properly (I doubt the latter, but must admit the thought did cross my mind). Anyway, an interesting experience! It was kind of nice to get attention for being pregnant--I don't think most people can tell yet just from looking at me, which means that unless I say something or someone else tells them, no one knows. So far I think I will be one of those women who enjoys having strangers ask questions and touch my belly, as long as they don't get too intrusive. It might be weirder if it were a man instead of a woman. Yeah, I'm not sure I'd becomfortable with a man touching my belly.

Speaking of men, I don't know what was going on exactly, but I felt like a lot of men were staring at me on base today, much more so than usual. Personally I don't think I look that good (my skin is terrible, my hair is limp and flat, and my body looks awkward), so I don't know what exactly they were staring at. Maybe it's that infamous pregnancy glow that was attracting attention (HA!). More likely it was my incredible hideousness (just kidding :)! Anyway, since I've been pregnant, the few times I have been "checked out" as it were, I've almost felt compelled to say something like, "Oh, by the way, are you aware that I'm pregnant?" Obviously I would never do that, but it makes me smile to imagine what their responses would be!