Week 19: Feeling Blah

Only a week left until Ziggy gets a proper pronoun--no more of this s/he, his/her business! Thank goodness AC will be able to attend the ultrasound. It would be pretty pathetic if I had to go alone.

In general I've been feeling kind of blah lately. I think I just need more to do, more stimulation. Sitting at home all day by myself is not conducive to feeling good. I don't know why it's only hitting me now. I guess AC was home more in the beginning, and I was still settling in, getting used to living here. I'm sure there's a lot I could do on my own, but I am just not the type to go out and explore by myself, especially when it's so hot and humid outside. Plus, I really want someone to do things with. I think I am just lonely. Between work, Cuong Nhu classes, drum circle, Rosetta Stone, hanging out with friends, and checking stocks, Facebooking, and reading the news on his computer, AC's life is pretty busy. I feel like I am always just sitting around and waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to finish whatever he's doing on the computer, waiting for him to pay attention to me. It's pathetic.

I know I need more of a life of my own, but I feel hampered by my own insecurities and by the fact that we simply wont be here for very long. It doesn't seem worth it to get a part-time job, volunteer, or try to get involved in the community. I don't know where or how to meet people. Last night we went out to dinner with AC's class to bid farewell to three of his classmates. Two other people brought their wives, and I got to talk to them a little, but one of them is leaving today (her husband was one of the three leaving), and the other is not going to be here much longer either. Plus, I just didn't get the sense that she was particularly interested in keeping in touch. The two other people (a guy and a girl) who were leaving were probably AC's closest friends in the class--I got to know them a bit too because we hung out together a few times. The girl is from Singapore, and we had a really nice time talking last night at dinner. I wish she weren't leaving already--she's actually someone I could imagine being friends with.

Anyway, I feel like it's wrong to not be blissfully happy right now what with Ziggy on the way and everything. I'm still very excited and thrilled to be having a baby and am looking forward to meeting him/her (grrr...only 7 more days). It's just that right now, at this very moment, I feel listless, bored, down, overly sensitive, and like I don't know what to do with myself. I'm pretty sure some of this moodiness can be attributed to pregnancy hormones. But I also feel like something needs to change. I need something to give my days shape, structure, order. I need to take up some hobbies or something. I suppose the most obvious thing would be for me to spend this time working on my final project for my master's, which AC really wants me to finish this fall. It will be hard to finish it with the baby coming, especially if Ziggy decides to arrive early, but I suppose if I don't do it now, it will be even harder when I have a baby to look after. Working on that would definitely keep me occupied, but I'm not sure if it would make me any happier. I don't know.

Anyway, I apologize for yet another whiny, self-absorbed post. Hopefully I will start feeling better soon.